january is a long month
Humour, Satires

Why January is a long month

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Your village people do not ever go on break, do they?

Your December salary was paid quite early and immediately you got the credit alert, a voice whispered to you, “January is a very long month o, be mindful of how you send this money”

“Yes, I will not touch one-quarter of this money this festive season!” You declared.

So you cut down all unnecessary expenses.

The third week of December passed by and you began to congratulate yourself on your financial savviness.

Then on Christmas eve, you got a call that made your heart skip. The female caller announced, “I am in your town o, come and take me out o”

“Yaaaaaaay! My crush of lifeeeee! Where are you exactly? Let’s meet now!” You yelled with excitement.

“My son, beware of this daughter of Eve, don’t meet her now” The fatherly voice sounded in your right ear.

“You don’t know what you are saying. I have to meet her. She could be my future wife. She is so fine and fresssssh!” You retorted as you rushed out with your Atm card.

You met the gorgeous lady. You spent a lot of money on the food. You two had a great time. You bought an expensive gift for her at the supermarket.

“My son, please be mindful of your expenses, remember January is a long month” The fatherly voice reprimanded you.

“Leave me alone, let me flex this Christmas abeg, my God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus!”

You began spending like crazy; buying drinks for friends up and down, acknowledging cheers of, “my leader! My leader!” from them, buying material items, dashing people money for no reason, buying luxury items etc. You kept withdrawing from the Atm and traveling to other cities for fun fiestas.

Then it suddenly hit you, you have just one thousand naira left. December has not ended but you have spent all of January’s money in December. You are now left with nothing.

You are at rock bottom.

Ground zero.

You walk up to the calendar and stare at January 2022. You start counting the days. You sigh.

January has 31 very long days.

January suddenly winks at you and says, “Hi buddy, I can’t wait to meet you”

“Please go away, I hate you!”

“Come on, i am just trying to be friends with you, well, see you later pal” January frowns.

You don’t have money in the bank, you don’t have money in your wallet, nobody is willing to lend you money.

You get on your knees and begin to pray,

“Oh Lord I am a tither and you said in your word that you will open the windows of heaven and pour down blessings upon me, my father my father, open your windows and rain down financial blessings upon me right now! I need a mirac…”

*Vrooom*

The glass windows of Heaven rolls open and an angry face stares down at you,

“Hey, this is Angel Michael, stop disturbing God and the host of heaven with your prayer, we are having an end of year chicken barbecue party up here and we need to concentrate, you should….hey, I need to go right now! Angel Gabriel has just disappeared with the tasty chicken laps I kept on my plate! I’ll talk to you in February”

*Vrooom*

The windows of Heaven are shut.

Your heart sinks. It is all over. No hope.

A voice whispers to your ear, “You have a talent, use your talent to make money for survival in January”

You nod your head. You can sing.

But nobody wants to pay you to sing for them.

Nobody turns up at your 50 BILLION IN THE ACCOUNT concert.

Three days later you find yourself carrying blocks at a construction site.

The pay is N1500 a day.

“Hello, is this you? Why are you carrying blocks on your head? Are you now a labourer?” A friend swoops on you just before you could hide your face and scurry away.

“Please don’t tell anybody you saw me o, it is actually nothing, I like carrying blocks on my head, it is my hobby. I like the gravitational effect the weight of the blocks exerts on my spine and body frame, it makes me fit and…”

“Tell me the truth my friend, you can talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

Tears of despair well up in your eyes. You turn to your friend to pour out your heart to him when a loud music suddenly interrupts you. You turn and face the direction of the sound. What you hear is;

“La prasseur mesion…remixion
Aii wob3te dwiii
One corner! One corner! One corner!
3y3 pee…One corner! One corner! One corner!”

At a corner of the uncompleted building, your village people are dancing the one corner dance and high-fiving each other for successfully making you a broke ass in December.

Your village people don’t ever go on break, do they?

Iniobong Leroi Umoh is a storyteller, a satirist and creative writer. He blurs the line between reality and fiction and seeks to create a connection with the reader through engaging content. His works have been featured across various online and offline platforms. He hopes to one day travel around the world on a luxury yacht, sipping expensive wine and documenting all his experiences in a journal. You can send him a mail at infoleric@gmail.com.

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