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How to keep your landlord happy and live for as long as you want without paying house rent to him

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Nobody loves paying house rent. When the time for rent renewal comes around, some people go into hiding. Yes, you disappear and your landlord has to conduct a search party for you to fish you out and collect his money. In this economy where the cost of living has gone up, you spend sleepless nights wondering how you are going to package a bulk sum and hand it to one man just like that! If you are a landlord, kindly stop reading at this point, please.

Now, as a tenant, to keep your landlord happy and live without paying rent for as long as you want, you need to work on his psychology, call it reverse psychology. If you start now, by December when rent is due, you will be having a very merry house rent-free Christmas celebration.

Start by paying him compliments. Deliberately seek out moments where you are alone with him and compliment him with statements like, “Landlord, you are the most handsome man in this country”, “Your house is the best house in this city”, “You are a good man sir”, “I love your shirt”, “Sir, have I told you lately that I love living in your house?”, “This house is an architectural masterpiece! It is the perfect blend of medieval Italian and modern Greek architecture” etc. Never mind that he is a grumpy old shylock and his house is a substandard contraption that can collapse on all tenants at any minute. He will associate you with the good feeling that your compliments bring and before you can say, ‘Jack Robinson’, he will tell you to forget about rent payment.

Does your landlord live in the same compound as you? If Yes, you have a good opportunity to get out of the rent payment debacle by proving your loyalty to him by taking care of his house. Sweep the frontage vigorously every morning and evening, cut the grasses every other weekend, construct makeshift drainage channels, repaint the exterior of the house, replace damaged parts without waiting for him to do so, report all the activities of your neighbours to him. Your landlord will take note and will promptly appoint you as the Caretaker, living rent-free. Congrats on your new status!

Does your landlord drink? Wine makes the heart merry and makes one forget about troubles including rent repayment from tenants. Find out your landlord’s favourite alcoholic drink or beer and ensure his stomach is always loaded with it. There is a spirit of brotherhood and camaraderie that exists between men that drink together at a table, so you need to hold regular beering sessions with your landlord at the local watering hole. As the liquor flows he will no longer be seeing you as a tenant but as a friend, brother, sister etc. He will declare that you should not pay rent anymore. If you load him with more bottles, he will hand over his house to you! If you don’t drink, always send some bottles to him. When you calculate the cost of buying beer for him, you will realize that is an infinitesimal amount when compared with the rent, you are a good buharinomist, sorry economist.

A sure way that you can keep your landlord happy and live for as long as you want without paying rent in his house is to loan him money. Lend him large sums of money. When you loan him money anytime he wants it, you will make him happy but when your house rent is due, he won’t be able to demand his rent because he knows he is indebted to you. If he summons up the courage to ask you for rent, quickly remind him about your debt and he will quietly leave you alone.

If you want to live for as long as you want without paying rent, you have to go spiritual and become a ghostbuster. Nobody wants to live in a haunted house. Does your landlord have superstitious beliefs? If he does then you are lucky. Do you have small cash with you? Do you know any Endtime prophet in the neighbourhood? This is what you should do. Hire an end-time prophet and let him meet your landlord and give him the revelation that the apartment you are living in is haunted but that a tenant with a strong spiritual power is living and you are that tenant. He should inform the landlord that your spirit has been fighting the ghosts thus protecting all tenants and the landlord. Let him warn the landlord never to let you pack out of the apartment even if means allowing you to live rent-free and that he should keep the revelation strictly to himself. Voila! Your Landlord will jump at the offer. Welcome to your rent-free years!!

My people, if you follow these steps religiously, you will say goodbye to the payment of house rent and live for as long as you want while saving money to build your house. However, if one day in the middle of the night, your Landlord runs to you infuriated and throws you out of his house over non-payment of accumulated house rent, don’t blame Leroi, I am only a messenger. Also, don’t run to me, I don’t have a spare room o.

Iniobong Leroi Umoh is a storyteller, a satirist and creative writer. He blurs the line between reality and fiction and seeks to create a connection with the reader through engaging content. His works have been featured across various online and offline platforms. He hopes to one day travel around the world on a luxury yacht, sipping expensive wine and documenting all his experiences in a journal. You can send him a mail at infoleric@gmail.com.

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