become a nigerian ceo
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How to become a Nigerian CEO

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So you have decided to become a Nigerian CEO, the Chief Executive Officer of your company and conglomerate, Congratulobia! But being CEO goes beyond the title, it is in the attitude, the things you do and the things you don’t do.

The first thing you must do is to stop smiling. Wear a stern and serious look all the time if you want to become a Nigerian ceo. If you smile often, people will not respect you and won’t take you seriously, remember that smiling brings familiarity and familiarity we all know brings contempt. So always frown your face everywhere you go.

Your dressing has to reflect your CEOship. You can’t be wearing polo and jeans, and call yourself a CEO. If you want to become a Nigerian ceo, you must wear formal attire all the time. Go for suits and tie if you are male or skirt suits and designer gowns if you are female. If western dressing makes you uncomfortable, you can use our traditional attires. Let your agbada or caftan be an oversized one, it should be rolling on the floor as you walk around while you keep struggling in futility to throw the cloth over your shoulders. Your gele should be broad and should rise to two meters above your head. It should block the view of anyone seated behind you. Always turn up in these outlandish attires even when you are invited to a swimming pool party. You are a ceo and they are not.

If you want to become a Nigerian Ceo, you must cut down on the number of times that you laugh. Laughter is for unserious people who do not have big businesses and brands to run. It is advisable that you laugh only four times a week and at these four times, the duration of laughter shouldn’t exceed 10 seconds. Laughter like smiling brings familiarity which leads to contempt. Avoid laughter!

A CEO does not speak and talk like others. If you want to become a Nigerian ceo, you must learn to speak officialese: the official language that differentiates you from non CEOs. You need to use big grammar and become very formal in your approach and language. If an old buddy of yours visits you to catch up on old times and take a picture or two with you, when posting the pictures on social media, you should caption it as:

“Today, I met with Mr Etim who paid a solidarity visit to me in my office. We shared critical thoughts on the state of the economy and drew up development indices for implementation and revitalization of our society”.

You must have a grass to grace story if you want to become a Nigerian CEO. You must tell people how poor, broke and hungry you were in the past and how the grace of God and hard work has catapulted you to the top. You must not tell them about the grants and favours you got from people, the dirty deals you did to get cash, the nepotism that created opportunities for you to the detriment of better-qualified people, No! You have to become a motivational speaker. So if you don’t have a sob story of poverty to tell, manufacture one and share the throwback pictures!

How can you become a Nigerian CEO and you are not owing salaries? You have to owe your staff salaries, they must work for you and not get paid. When you owe your workers salaries, you inspire fear and respect in them. If you pay them as at when due, they will start thinking that you are their mate and will want to rub shoulders with you. So you must put them perpetually in their place by owing them.

Be very busy at all times. Ceos do not have time to meet anyone or take part in any activity that is not bringing in money to their pockets.

If you follow these steps, you will be on your way to becoming a Nigerian CEO. Good luck!

Keyword: become a Nigerian ceo

Iniobong Leroi Umoh is a storyteller, a satirist and creative writer. He blurs the line between reality and fiction and seeks to create a connection with the reader through engaging content. His works have been featured across various online and offline platforms. He hopes to one day travel around the world on a luxury yacht, sipping expensive wine and documenting all his experiences in a journal. You can send him a mail at infoleric@gmail.com.

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