kampala
Humour

How I was chased away from Kampala, Uganda

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I decided that having watched a couple of thousands of movies in my life, I had become a movie buff.

A film-maker.

I decided to make my movie.

I would star in the movie, playing the lead role.

I borrowed 100k from a friend and went into the movie production business.

I wrote a script.

A captivating storyline.

I sourced for actors in my neighbourhood.

A crowd turned up on the auditioning day.

Everyone claimed to be star actors.

“My brother, I have been acting ever since when I was in my mother’s womb. Pick me!”

“Acting is in my blood, my second name is acting, pick me!”

“Have you not heard that I am the best actor in the world? You can’t afford to do this movie without me!”

The requests poured in.

After three hours of watching auditions that would put Instagram comic skit makers out of business, I selected my cast and crew.

Filming and production were done in one week.

My box office hit movie was ready.

I marketed the movie in record shops but none of them wanted to buy it.

I went to cinema houses but they turned me down.

“A prophet has no honour in his country,” I said to myself.

I wanted international attention for my movie.

I made enquiries.

The Amakula Kampala International Film Festival was accepting entries for screening in a few weeks.

I sent my movie for review.

A week later I got a reply by email.

“Thanks but no, thanks”

“You are joking! My movie must be screened! The world must see my talent!” I declared firmly and started packing my bags.

On the day the festival started, I flew into Kampala, Uganda.

I found Kampala to be a beautiful, clean and serene hilly city.

I got into the picturesque venue of the film festival.

Higher Crime, a movie directed by Aniebiet Francis was screening on the first day alongside three other movies.

Movies with rave reviews.

On Day 2, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I sprang to my feet in the middle of a movie screening.

“This is unfair! I have an awesome movie! It is the ultimate African movie but the organizers have refused to accept it! This is an injustice to Africa!”

I disrupted the screening.

The security came to drag me out.

I refused to leave the venue.

To calm me down, the organizers collected my movie tape.

They immediately slotted it in the player and the big screen came alive

My movie was screening on the big screen!

My face was beaming with smiles.

“You all will enjoy this movie!” I declared.

10 minutes passed…

15 minutes.

“Take off the movie! This is poor! Ridiculous! It is disgraceful acting!” The voices in the audience shouted.

My movie was yanked off the screen.

“Who is the director of this crap? Arrest him immediately!”

The people started chasing me.

I took to my heels and fled Kampala.

And that was how my movie dream was aborted.

Iniobong Leroi Umoh is a storyteller, a satirist and creative writer. He blurs the line between reality and fiction and seeks to create a connection with the reader through engaging content. His works have been featured across various online and offline platforms. He hopes to one day travel around the world on a luxury yacht, sipping expensive wine and documenting all his experiences in a journal. You can send him a mail at infoleric@gmail.com.

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